Narcissistic Abuse and the Aftermath

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Have you ever felt like you were going crazy after having a discussion with someone? When I say discussion, I don’t mean a calm even toned conversation; but an argument. Have you ever felt like you caught someone in a lie but they made you feel like you were delusional? These are common feelings or thoughts that many have when dealing with narcissistic abuse. The scary part is, this abuse can come from anywhere. Family, friends, coworkers or supervisors can all have you in a whirlwind, not knowing which way is forward.

Hearing a client tell me that they don’t trust themselves or their own thoughts or instincts clues me in that they may be experiencing narcissistic abuse.

So, what is the difference between narcissistic and emotional abuse?

Imagine you are having lunch with a close family member or your spouse. They say something that tears open an old wound or triggers you in some way. We, as humans, all have the capacity to lash out and become emotionally abusive. A lot of individuals live in this mindset. They have experienced so much hurt and pain in their lives that their default defense is to lash out and make others hurt and are reactive to any painful/hurtful experiences, old or new. This is not a defense for these individuals, but rather, an understanding of why.

Intentionality is the key difference between this and narcissistic abuse. Narcissists have taken their pain and experiences and, rather than turn those experiences into a strength to lift others up; they have instead learned to use them for “evil” so to speak. A narcissist has the ultimate goal of tearing their victim down so that they are “less than” the narcissist. A common tool in the narcissist’s “toolbox” is gaslighting. An example of this is, “I remember seeing a white truck at the house yesterday.”. The narcissist response would be something like, “No, that was next door and it was gray.”. Thus, making you question your own reality and perception of truth. This type of behavior is goal directed and therefore becomes intentional abuse.

How doe the dynamic change between having narcissistic authority figures (parents/grandparents) and romantic/platonic relationships?

Let’s take a moment to consider the difference between an adult that grew up with narcissist parents or legal guardians and someone who does not have that experience; but is now in a relationship with a narcissist.

An adult that grew up in a narcissistic household experienced this abuse more severely because the person that was meant to be a care giver and safety for them, has created a sort of twisted reality for them. The child (probably) could never believe anything they thought they could as they were constantly gaslighted and could never form a constant or stable reality of their own. The example from earlier with the truck in the driveway; this is not questioned as parents are authority figures and kids do not question things parents tell them. (until later in teenage years or adulthood)

A person that has not grown up in this type of household has a few “protections”. They were able to cultivate and form their own reality. They were built up and gained confidence and were not “brainwashed” by their parents. Their confidence was built up, rather than torn down at every turn and therefore, are not as susceptible to the gaslighting technique mentioned earlier.

Narcissistic Abuse and the Flying Monkeys.

When we think of “flying monkeys” the image of the wicked witch in the movie The Wizard of Oz comes to mind. These individuals are often close to the narcissist and are considered to be “close friends” of the narcissist. Narcissists do not have a true identity and typically take on the identities of people they learn from and admire. These are people that the narcissist is more charming to. They are under the spell of the narcissist; they see the “good side” of the narcissist and not the abuse they inflict on their victims. Rather than show their true selves, the narcissist will paint a picture where THEY are the victims of rather than the perpetrators of abuse.

Because of this, these “close friends” typically do the narcissists bidding, consciously or otherwise. An example of this is, if you attempt to leave or set boundaries with the narcissist, the “monkeys” will tell you how much the narcissist loves you and is not a bad person.

This leads me to discuss another tool in the narcissist tool box… “love bombing”. Love bombing is essentially the narcissists way of “turning on the charm”. They will shower you with gifts, compliments and show you a side of them that lures you into a false sense of safety with them. This makes you feel as if no one else would treat you this way and you cling to this image later in the relationship. Over time, you see the abusive nature of the narcissist. The love bombing phase becomes a sort of drug that you chase in that you like the feeling it gives you.

When S#!t Gets Real

When we meet someone for the first time, we expect that they are being authentic and their true selves. However, this is not the case with narcissists. They take the phrase “put your best foot forward” and pump it with steroids as they overcompensate to hide their true selves. And over time; whether they have lost their initial victim, or you catch one too many glimpses “behind the curtain”, their masks start to slip and you see them for how they really are.

This can have a devastating effect on our mental health. We struggle between reality and what is presented as reality in the narcissist. We can relate it as a form of complicated grief. We grieve the death of the fantasy relationship we thought we were getting into. It is not easy to work through this experience as it is difficult to wrap our minds around, however, it is an essential part of healing.

Narcissists will typically put on a mask for the world to see. This is because they cannot afford to risk relationships with friends, colleagues, and associates related to hobbies. They value these things as part of their identity and will not expose their true selves in these environments. The narcissist can be true in their home environment because so much manipulation and mind games have been played that their behavior is not scrutinized as closely.

Narcissists hate Boundaries

Boundaries are for YOU, not the narcissist. This individual will do everything in their power to alter or remove the boundaries completely. This can be anything from love bombing to dragging your name and reputation through the “mud”. They may attempt this in a direct manner or “set their flying monkeys after you”, regardless, maintain these boundaries. Narcissists feel entitled to you and your attention, they feel the own these things and should have access at all times. Despite all of this, being firm is impactful and effective in most cases.

Things to consider

• Reflect on your values and why the boundaries were set in place. 

• Be firm on no contact rules.

• Do some personal work to understand who you are as an individual; separate from the narcissistic person.       

Final Thoughts

The difference between narcissistic abuse and emotional abuse is the intentionality behind it. If you are struggling to break free from the power of a narcissistic relationship, it’s time to get support. The biggest way to work through this kind of trauma is to heal your inner child. The goal with this work is to bring knowledge and insight to that inner child. This allows you to make sense of what has happened to you and move forward and heal. Your trauma is real, it matters and I can help you to move forward. Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation to see if I would be a good fit for you.